Del miedo a la soledad y otras rarezas

Estoy sola... en el sentido amoroso del término. Todos los días me levanto con la certeza, reforzada en mis sueños, de que nadie me ama... tampoco amo... lo deseo, lo anhelo... pero no ES. Estoy en esa etapa de la soledad en la que cualquier excusa parece un motivo suficiente para buscar cualquier tipo de contacto... para no perder toda esperanza y no caer en la dura verdad de que estoy sola, no amo y no me aman. No es realmente dramático, no sufro por nadie ni por nada en particular. Es sólo la sensación misma de estar sola, de saber que debo estarlo... Me siento en cierto modo, condenada a mi propia compañía, y aunque la quiero, también siento que me he traicionado durante mucho tiempo y no quiero mirarme a los ojos... a las emociones, a las dificultades. ¿Cómo estar conmigo después de haber pasado por encima de mis propias necesidades? Es como volver a los brazos de un amante abandonado, ignorado, algo apaleado... el otro de la historia... ¿cómo puedo volver?

También estoy demasiado acompañada... mi madre está en todas partes, al igual que amig@s y estudiantes. Cuando estoy en estas situaciones quiero gritar mi SOLEDAD... No se de qué está hecha... pero deseo mi silencio: con vergüenza, temor... incertidumbre.... ¡¡¡pero lo quiero, lo quiero, lo quiero!!!!!!

Estar sola, sola... conmigo... lo veo como un baile, tan lindo, tan propicio. Lo quiero, pero, estando conmigo todos los días, no se exactamente cómo hacerlo...

¿Cómo hacerlo sin herir a l@s que quiero pero dejando de herirme a mí misma?

This time is for real

So, this time is for real. I'm not backing out... No matter what... This is my time to BE. I feel I like him so much (a different him, of course), but it is very possible that it is a trick of my mind; because I just don't want to be alone... But now, I kind of want to be alone. If I'm able to commit to myself, I'll be able to commit to others more surely; beginning for my friends and family...

Would I love to kiss him? To just be near him? Like that night? Sure, but I just read something: "Si haces lo que siempre has hecho, tendrás lo que siempre has tenido". I have had enough of the same. I don't want to be that insecure, jelaous person anymore. I want to be able to love, without so much fear... and that, (is common sense) begins for loving and accepting myself.

Am I repeating the same crap most people do? Sure, I might even sound like a chick flick. But I honestly feel it; the need to be alone, finding, questioning, building... no pressure from the outside.

What if any guy comes and tells me he loves me and is the guy of my life?? Then nothing, I'm nobody's girl but my own right now. That IS a fact.

How long?

How long does it take to start over again? Roads in life (in my life, at least) do not seem to go constantly forward. I am so terrified to be alone, to be un-loved... That is why it is hard to move forward. That is why I keep holding on to my own fantasies, dreams and expectations. They are untrue, I can hold on to anyone and right now, anybody would take me back to here, to today, to now... to my scared and insecure self.

I do not want to come back to the starting point anymore. It can be the best guy I run into and, if that were the case, we will wait on each other. I have been here many times (too many); it is time to face what creeps me out, no more excuses... No more men I cannot love.

A couple of tasks I must develop (and I am going to stop saying before I am with someone again) for me, for my happiness, to love myself everyday more.

It takes twenty one days to create a habit and I am going for three. Radical changes requiere radical measures so I am going to begin a boot camp (sort of):

1. I am going to go to bed at 10:00 PM at the latest for two whole months (that means the first weekend of july is going to be a big celebration).

2. I am going to exercise everyday; at least half an hour and eat five times a day.

3. I am going to read everyday at least ten pages.

4. I am going to work everyday at home for one hour.

5. I am going to go on facebook twice a week.

I am going to give myself two months of a chance... a chance to change, to move, forward and to the sides... I know I can be a bigger person. I deserve that opportunity.